Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.
ABC announces switch to Mandarin as part of 2021 programming overhaul
The ABC has announced that all of its content will be broadcast in Mandarin as part of a shake up of programming in 2021.
All content on each of the ABC’s networks will be broadcast in Mandarin with English subtitles, in a move heralded by ABC Chairwoman Ita Buttrose as a momentous occasion for the network, despite criticism that this was grossly inappropriate and blatant foreign interference.
Hugh White, Geoff Raby and Stan Grant are all to host new weekly shows focusing exclusively on Australia-China relations.
“This is a wonderful development and a unique partnership between the two nations,” Buttrose told The Strayan.
“We’ve also floated the possibility of directly streaming CCTV from the mainland and we may eventually be forced to, depending on what the funding situation is like prior to the election.”
“We moved Q&A to Thursday night in the hope that someone would actually watch it, so we’ll see how that goes. I don’t think there is much we can do to save The Drum unfortunately but no-one cares about that show except Jane Caro anyway.”
Kevin Rudd has also unveiled a new 4 hour talk show and has denied claims that his call for a royal commission into the Murdoch media was a cynical marketing stunt to build up hype for his new show.
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Study finds COVID vaccine 200% effective on international students returning to Australia
A new study has found that the new AstraZeneca COVID vaccine is 200% effective on international students returning to Australia.
The study, financed and conducted by the Business Council of Australia and the Group of 8 universities, has found that patient trials on five students from China have been 200% successful and the vaccine is ready to be rolled out instantly.
“This is the breakthrough we’ve been looking for,” a spokesman for AstraZeneca told The Strayan.
“We’ve been facing constant pressure to get this ready in time for the new academic year. That means we’ve had to skip over the important stuff like double-blind trials, long term clinical trials, monitoring possible side effects and have done away with those pesky liability clauses.”
“Nonetheless, despite the small sample size it’s a roaring success and combined with a non-stop media campaign we can get those students back in, stat.”
When asked by The Strayan to provide it’s clinical trial results, AstraZeneca says it remained commercial-in-confidence and would be made public at a later date.
The vaccine is expected to be rolled out any time before March.
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Tim Pallas seen boarding flight to Bahamas as Victoria’s AAA credit rating stripped
Victorian Treasurer Tim Pallas has been seen boarding a direct flight for the Bahamas at Tullamarine Airport yesterday, after Victoria’s AAA credit rating was downgraded.
Speaking from the Qantas lounge at Tullamarine Airport, the Treasurer stated he was taking an indefinite leave of absence and needed some time to reset after a tough 2020.
“COIVD lockdowns, $250 billion in debt, a credit downgrade, numerous infrastructure promises and the One Belt, One Road deal probably about to get ripped up? Yeh I need a break on the beach, for an undisclosed period of time,” Pallas told The Strayan.
Pallas stated he was proud of his tenure as Treasurer but now was the time to consider other options, alluding to rumours of offers at Chicoms.
“Yeh we probably shouldn’t have built so many shit apartments and ran a huge immigration ponzi scheme but the Liberals were also ok with that and some donors made cash, so it wasn’t a total loss. It’s someone else’s problem to deal with now.”
Pallas said he hadn’t set a definite date of return but was open to the possibility of working from home in the Bahamas ‘until the whole thing blows over, whenever that is.’
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Ardern launches “Hug A Homeless Person” campaign to solve housing affordability and homelessness crises
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has announced a new initiative to combat the country’s homelessness epidemic and growing housing affordability issues.
The NZ Prime Minister will defy COVID concerns and travel the nation hugging thousands of homeless people, to re-assure them the NZ government is “taking housing unaffordability and homelessness seriously.”
Ardern, who was originally elected on a platform of cutting immigration and solving the housing crisis, oversaw a massive increase in homelessness during her first term with a record number of Kiwis locked out of the housing market and onto the streets. Housing has also become the most unaffordable in NZ history.
Ardern rebuffed claims this was just another media stunt and stated that she had the mandate of the people given her re-election.
“I’ve proven that a hug and a camera solves everything at numerous times during my Prime Ministership,” Ardern told The Strayan.
“If there’s one thing that’s been shown to work, it’s vacuous platitudes over concrete solutions. If I could give the economy a hug I would and we’re still working on ways to do that.”
It is also understood that NZ Labor are also considering a “Hug a Foreign Investor” campaign to kickstart the NZ economy.
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Victorian Labor launch mentor program for NSW Labor on how to get away with corruption scandals
Victorian Labor has announced it is launching a new young leaders program for its counterparts in NSW Labor on how to avoid corruption scandals.
It is understood MP’s from the Victorian Labor Party will travel to Sydney several times a year, to guide NSW Labor MP’s through a number of scandals as they arise. Plagued by corruption scandals dating all the way back to Graham Richardson and Balmain Welding, NSW Labor has historically come unstuck on far more of them compared to their Victorian members.
Premier Daniel Andrews hailed the program as a significant partnership.
“Victoria has a great recent track record on how to get away with blatant corruption and remain in power,” Andrews told The Strayan.
“Whether it’s the red shirts scandal, having your dog chauffeured on the tax payer dime, infrastructure rorts or more important stuff like hotel quarantine and dodgy trade deals with foreign governments, Victorian Labor is proud to share its expertise with its interstate comrades.”
“Anything the LNP can do, we can do just as well.”
The program will also cover topics such as how to undermine and underfund anti-corruption bodies such as IBAC and ICAC.
It is understood former NSW Premier Barry O’Farrell was the first to sign up for the program, with refusing bottles of wine from Geoff Raby his first proposed test.
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Australia no longer secular as Church of Propertyology dubbed official state religion
Australia will no longer be known as a secular country, after Parliament unanimously voted to anoint the Church of Propertyology as the official state religion.
The bill passed last night after the Greens signalled they would overwhelmingly support the bill, after securing an amendment for tax-free status for any members of the church and their respective investment properties.
The announcement drew cheers from numerous Fairfax and Newscorp journalists in the press gallery, with Harry Trigaboff also spotted cracking open the champagne.
The 40 year old religion, founded by Corelogic’s predecessors in the late 1970’s, has fought for official recognition for over two decades and its members, including CEO Tim Lawless, were seen in tears.
The ATO also reported its website crashed with inquiries from hundreds of thousands of Australian inquiring as to how to claim tax-free status.
“It’s an historic occasion but really it’s just formalising what’s been unofficial for at least 40 years,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison told The Strayan.
“I’m often pejoratively called the happy clappy PM, well we’re really a nation of happy clappers when it comes to real estate.”
Proceedings are now underway to secure who will be the dubbed the first Cardinal Spruiker of Australia. The Strayan understands that Chris Joye, Peter Switzer, Stephen Koukoulas and Scott Cam are all to be considered to be the front runners, with an official announcement on January 1st 2021.
