Sir Fomo McSpruikerson is an expatriate billionaire and proud proprietor of The Strayan, a vanity media project designed to boost his assets.
Tanya Plibersek says the decision to hire full-time camera crew unrelated to ALP leadership aspirations
Deputy ALP leader Tanya Plibersek has denied allegations that her recent decision to hire a full-time camera crew is unrelated to a rumoured leadership challenge.
Plibersek was filmed yesterday at Parliament House confronting LNP member Craig Kelly, over his comments and concerns regarding the planned COVID vaccine.
Plibersek denied allegations that this was purely self-serving and about manufacturing public consent for an ALP leadership challenge.
“Everyone loves a contrived media stunt, none more so than an opposition MP. It allows us to justify our jobs every once in a while, without actually doing anything. We have an upcoming election to think about,” Plibersek told The Strayan.
“I think my years of eye-rolling, sneering, feigned indignation and generally being a patronising idiot on Q&A speaks for itself in terms of a showreel. This is just putting the final touches on something we’ve been working on for a while.”
Meanwhile, ex-PM Kevin Rudd has launched a new petition to get a Plibersek her own media platform as part of his royal commission into media diversity.
Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese was unavailable for comment, but later claimed he’s monitoring the situation and may make a strong statement in the future.
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Leaked internal documents show McGowan government received hotel quarantine advice from mysterious “Andrew Daniels”
Explosive allegations have rocked the McGowan government after leaked internal documents showed that advice provided on hotel quarantine to WA Labor came from unqualified source known only as “Andrew Daniels”.
After a snap 5-day lockdown in Perth following an outbreak from hotel quarantine last week, WA Premier Mark McGowan denied allegations that his decision to use private security guards came from the unknown Mr Daniels.
“I understand the public’s concern about how the fuck did we arrive at the same decision after seeing the same fiasco in Victoria last year, but let me assure you it was nothing to do with that failed state,” McGowan told a packed press conference this morning.
“Mr Andrew Daniels is a close personal friend of the ALP and has previously provided quarantine advice to China. He has no ties to the Victorian ALP and I resent those accusations.”
McGowan remained adamant that the situation was under control.
“The only thing we will replicate from Victoria is the inquiry dog and pony show that has no teeth, and that will hopefully tide us over until footy season when that is the only thing on TV in WA.”
McGowan and WA Police Commissioner Chris Dawson were both unavailable for comment this morning, attending to matters related to “auditing of personal SMS.” The Strayan also understands that a travel ban to WA has been issued for Peta Credlin.
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Uber announces partnership with Australian state governments on hotel quarantine
Multinational rideshare operator Uber has announced a new partnership with several Australian state governments, to provide hotel quarantine services.
The move will see Uber drivers being responsible for hotel quarantine and transport in several Australian states, with international students struggling as a result of border closures tipped to be the big winners.
“We’ve seen the resounding success of hotel security in Victoria and recently in Western Australia and we thought there is a real opportunity here,” a spokesman for Uber told The Strayan.
“Australia has a 30-year, proven track record of bipartisan outsourcing of financial and social responsibility so we thought there’s no better time than now to continue that trend through this initiative.”
Uber rebuked suggestions that further COVID outbreaks will continue due to lax standards and lack of regulation.
“As per our upstanding record of operation in Australia, we have full faith in our subcontracted international workforce to deliver exceptional service at this critical time. This will also allow the guards to pursue several employment opportunities at once.”
“We’re a private company and can do what we want, so if you don’t like it then build you own rideshare infrastructure.”
Phil Honeywood and Innes Willox have both welcomed the move and said it was crucial to “re-starting the Australian economic zone as soon as possible.”
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ABC announces 2022 Australia Day celebrations will be broadcast live from Tiananmen Square
The ABC has announced that it’s 2022 Australia Day broadcast will be hosted live from Tiananmen Square in Beijing.
The event will be dubbed “Ni Hao, Kowtow” and will feature a 7-second delay in case of any accidental mention of the events of 1989.
ABC chairwoman Ita Buttrose disclosed the move to a media conference, calling it a “historic moment between the two nations.”
“Our support of our biggest trading partner is second to none among the Australian media. The ABC has been at the forefront of Australia-China relations, particularly the last 12 months while they’ve white-anted what’s left of our industry through the trade war. That alone has showcased our commitment to inclusivity and Australia’s economic prosperity,” Buttrose told The Strayan.
“This simulcast from Beijing will tie in nicely with the upcoming Beijing Winter Olympics, which Australia may intend to boycott anyway.”
“Who knows, after all the criticism we copped for our “Invasion Day” moniker, it may be just turn out to be prescient in other ways, if you know what I mean. It’s your ABC.”
Stan Grant will host the celebrations, joined by guest co-host, China coal champion, Geoff Raby.
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University of Adelaide’s Confucius Institute welcomes Peter Hoj with traditional CCP book-burning ceremony
New University of Adelaide Vice-Chancellor Peter Hoj has been welcomed on-campus by the local Confucius Institute, with a “traditional CCP book-burning ceremony.”
Aside from a huge assortment of classic western academic texts, Taiwanese and Hong Kong flags were also seen added to the pyre as Hoj was welcomed on campus by a guard of honour of international students.
Hoj used his maiden speech to praise Australia and China’s relationship and outline his agenda for his vice-chancellorship.
“My first order of business will be to review academic standards on campus. My first priority is to conduct a review into teaching of topics like Uyghurs, Tiananmen Square and the Kuomintang,” Hoj told a media scrum.
“There is nothing more important in this country’s academic community than correctly grooming the next generation of Australians; be it either local students in group assignments or those who temporarily grace our campuses as they endure the struggle of awaiting their permanent residency applications.”
It is understood that Drew Pavlou has already been banned from campus and any affiliated activity with the university.
Hoj will commence next week and it is believed he is already scheduling a meeting with Education Minister Alan Tudge, to plan how to reboot last year’s failed international student pilot program.
